5 Ways NFP Can Break Your Marriage (And How to Fix It)

Can Natural Family Planning actually damage a marriage?
Many couples quietly struggle with NFP — feeling disconnected, frustrated, or even resentful — and wonder if something is wrong with them, their marriage, or the Church’s teaching.

In this episode, we respond honestly and pastorally to five of the most common objections to Natural Family Planning and offer practical guidance for couples who want unity, intimacy, and peace — not pressure or guilt.

In this episode, we cover:
1️⃣ “Feeling that NFP doesn’t really work — it’s too complicated or unreliable.”
2️⃣ The emotional and sexual strain caused by long abstinence periods.
3️⃣ What to do when spouses disagree on when or why to use NFP.
4️⃣ Is NFP basically the same as contraception?
5️⃣ How to navigate marriage when one spouse struggles to accept NFP.

Rather than defending NFP with theory alone, we focus on how NFP is lived inside real marriages — including communication, sacrifice, desire, resentment, and love. This conversation is especially for couples who feel exhausted by oversimplified answers and want something deeper, more human, and more faithful.

If you’re asking:
 • Why does NFP feel so hard in our marriage?
 • Is abstinence damaging our intimacy?
 • Are we using NFP for the right reasons?
 • How do we stay united when we disagree?

— this episode is for you.

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SPEAKER_01 0:19

Welcome back to another episode with us. We are your hosts, friends and minds like our podcast called to become family. We are the authors of the book Why Won't You Make Love to Me, and we are so happy. We are so happy to be with you here with you with another episode. Today we're gonna tackle something very controversial and also hopefully something that's gonna help you a lot. Um, we're gonna go over the five ways that NFP can absolutely destroy your marriage and how you can actually look to repair it if NFP has done that to you. Um we are gonna maybe say some things about NFP that may not be received well right away. Um, but we ask you to bear with us and really stick through the episode because we're really hoping to reframe what natural family planning is in your marriage and hopefully it'll be something that is a blessing and not just a big old burden.

SPEAKER_00 1:01

We um we are huge advocates for natural family planning, NFP, but we absolutely recognize that it comes with a lot of struggle. It brings about a lot of distress, it's not easy, and it can definitely have an impact on your marriage. And so we want to acknowledge that, address those concerns, and hopefully give some encouragement as well.

SPEAKER_01 1:23

So, number one, the way that people feel like NFP is breaking their marriage, a lot of people think that NFP really just doesn't work or that it's too complicated. And why are we doing this in the first place? Um, and I can totally understand that because uh in for us for natural flame and planning, we've done a bunch of different methods in our 13 years of marriage, and there were definitely times when it just felt like this is way too complicated. I feel like there's more friction than infatuation. Uh, and we just why, even why are we doing this?

SPEAKER_00 1:53

Yeah, NFP can surely feel complicated because there are a lot of different methods, there are options for how to track your cycles, what you're looking for. Um, like Renzo said, we've learned three different methods of NFP. So I kind of we kind of understand like what you're looking for, and each one of them is different and unique and it can feel overwhelming. One, if you're trying to pick which one works best for you, which one should I learn? How do I learn it? And then once you do learn it, like maybe your body is not matching exactly the textbook, and you're like, I thought I was, I thought I was gonna be able to like really clearly identify when I'm fertile and when I'm not, and my body is showing signs of fertility, but it also did that like a week ago, or um, I thought I ovulated, but I haven't gotten my period yet, or there's just like a lot of things that can throw you for a loop.

SPEAKER_01 2:45

Or or we did everything right and now we have a baby.

SPEAKER_00 2:48

That's true, or it can feel like it doesn't work right and it feels unreliable because yeah, you either yourselves have a surprise pregnancy, or you've heard of somebody that has, um, or maybe you're trying to conceive a pregnancy and you're like, I think I'm doing all the things right. Why do we not have a baby yet? Um, and it can feel very um, it can feel daunting and it can feel confusing to practice NFP. So you're like, why am I doing this in the first place? And my first encouragement is like first to understand that you and your spouse doing NFP natural family planning um is good because this is a very unsatisfying answer, but like it's out of obedience to God and how He created your marriage and your bodies to work, and though even though it's not as cut and dry, it's not as straightforward as you wish it was, um God made it that way for a reason, and it might be it might not be the way that you were hoping. Maybe it's because you're supposed to like grow in intimacy and communication. Maybe you are being stretched to um like to be parents when you didn't think you were ready to be parents, or maybe you're being stretched in a way and like to just I know this is unsatisfying, but like to trust that there is a really good purpose to allowing your body to work the way it is working.

SPEAKER_01 4:15

And then we'll talk about this a little bit later, but the NFP, I do we we do know that NFP does work. Uh we've been avoiding for quite a while now.

SPEAKER_00 4:23

Almost five years.

SPEAKER_01 4:24

Um and so NFP does work, uh, but it takes a lot of practice, a lot of learning, um, a lot of uh trial and error. And I know for us in our culture, we like we want things right away. We want not needing to put a lot of our own time and effort into it, and that's just not the way NFP works because there's no AI for NFP. Like it's you and your body trying to figure out your body, and also like you are so unique. From what I've learned from from Monica learning NFP and us practicing together is that no matter the method we've learned, she has never been textbook, so she's always had to adopt whatever she's learned with her instructor to herself because she's a unique individual. And I think that's incredibly frustrating when you just want an easy answer. Um, but again, like Monica said, like this is NFP is not supposed to be just for your tracking and for avoiding or conceiving, but also part of growing an intimacy within your marriage.

SPEAKER_00 5:16

Yeah, and we've come at this, we've we've shared this in previous episodes, but we've had a surprise pregnancy, an unexpected pregnancy while practicing NFP. And then we've also successfully avoided pregnancy for the last several years. So we've kind of and we've used NFP to try to conceive pregnancy. We've used NFP for all the different reasons that it's available for. And every cycle, every cycle since we've started has been unique and individualized. So that is what makes NFP more complicated because you're always having to monitor and adjust to what you see day to day, even moment to moment. But that's also why it is effective because it's working with the specific woman's body, the specific couple and their goals. And so um you can have confidence in that.

SPEAKER_01 6:06

Yeah, the assumption when we say that NFP, when someone says NFP doesn't work, is assuming that by that you mean just to avoid pregnancy. But NFP in itself is a bigger understanding of the of the couple, of the of the fertility of both spouses, um, the intimacy of the marriage. It is beyond just avoiding and conceiving. And so if NFP is stretching you in those areas, NFP is also working. But number two, NFP can cause a lot of emotional and sexual stress within the marriage because of the long periods of abstinence. And because of that, a lot of couples feel like it's destroying my marriage because we thought we would be able to have this many days to be able to be intimate, um, this many days where our sex life would be thriving, and now suddenly everything is just terrible and we are fighting all the time because we don't know when we can have sex again.

SPEAKER_00 6:54

Yeah, and that's absolutely again not sugarcoating it, but it stinks to not be able to make love with the person that you love. And oftentimes it's during that period of um like your fertility, the woman's fertility that she is most interested in having sex because of the way the hormones are fluctuating and the way that the female body was designed is like, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready. And then you have to kind of say no to those, those urges, those inklings, those desires. Um, and that's not easy and it's not very fun a lot of the time. But again, it's showing that NFP is working for the goal that you guys have discerned for. So if you are being stretched to say no to sex and have longer periods of abstinence because of the way the wife's body is behaving at that time, it's important to like express that this is hard. It's express that it's challenging.

SPEAKER_01 7:55

What would your advice be, though, if someone is saying it's causing emotional and sexual stress within the marriage? Besides just like, because I because I think a lot of people could hear that response and be like, well, that's a lot of nice thoughts, but like what I do if it's actively causing stress.

SPEAKER_00 8:10

Yeah. I would first recommend like saying that to one another, because I think sometimes when we hear this from couples who are expressing this frustration with us, is that it's um it's a conversation that's only like happening on one side. They're not really discussing it with one another and just admitting that like it is it is challenging. This is something that we both want, but we have to say no to at the same time to kind of be united in the the challenge of it. Because sometimes we can just feel like oh it's so easy for them, but it's hard for me.

SPEAKER_01 8:42

That last point you said, I think is important to unpack because with what you're saying, it sounds like one spouse can feel like it's really hard for them and assume that it's really easy for the other spouse. Yeah. And in communicating with each other, you could both come to the understanding, like this is actually hard for both of you. So, and I think that can ease a little bit of the stress and tension that's happening between you because it's not that one of you is saying no to the other because it's easy to say no, but more of we're both saying no, and this is very difficult for both of us. We both want to be together, but we both chose to to avoid at this time, or because you know, whatever reasons at this time. Um, and that kind of takes the stress off because now, like, we're in this together. It's not just a me versus you type thing. Is that kind of what you were saying?

SPEAKER_00 9:24

Yes, that's exactly what I meant. Because I think it can feel very isolating if you feel like you're the only one that's having a hard time with this. Um, or not just that you're the only one that's having a hard time, but on the flip side, that like it's not hard for the other person. Um, that can feel very isolating and it can cause a like a barrier between the two of you that doesn't actually exist, but you've kind of self-created that. I think we talked about story mode. I think sometimes this happens in this area of marriage that you create a narrative in your head of how the other person is feeling or having an experience, but you're kind of assuming that.

SPEAKER_01 9:58

And I think I think also reframing fertility during this time is important too, because I know that one thing we learned was just reframing the idea that it's not that it's either the wife is fertile or infertile, but it's that the husband is always fertile and the wife is also fertile during this time. So therefore we have to avoid, and it doesn't become a oh, it's the wife's fault for happening to be fertile or because she caught signs, but it's more of like, no, no, no. The husband also has a fertility situation happening, and because of that situation, we are both choosing to abstain, not just because wife wants to do NFP and oh, she happens to be fertile, but no, like because the husband is always fertile, so therefore we have to be decide when this is the right time to do this.

SPEAKER_00 10:34

Yeah, our our joint fertility is at its peak right now, and yeah, so I think that there's a lot of solidarity and intimacy that comes from just like being a united front in this, in this difficulty, in this struggle, and so that it doesn't become a conflict in your marriage. So even though it's still hard, it's not one versus the other, but it's like together we're facing something that's challenging, that's not fun, but it's good for our family and um it's worth the effort.

SPEAKER_01 11:03

Number three, what would you say to spouses if it is one versus the other and they actually disagree on whether or not they should be using NFP at all? How would how should we navigate that? Because I think that again is a very difficult and stressful thing to go through. Um, most of the time, at least from everything we've read and encountered, it's the wife who's choosing NFP and is following the precepts of the church and wants to be faithful to the church. Um, and it's the husband who's disagreeing or not understanding or choosing not to understand or choosing not to learn more because he just doesn't get why they just can't have sex. And I think because of that, it is if you're not able to do the the things we said in the first two, um, you get to this point where it's just like I the husband can be just saying, I just don't agree with NFP at all. Um, and the wife is like, no, this is what the church wants us to do. So therefore, and in this situation, I'm I'm envisioning the husband saying he wants to use contraception, um, and the wife is saying no, we should be doing NFP. I think that is very hard as well. And it makes it seem like NFP is the problem, and now and it's it's the wife putting the boundary and the wife doing NFP becomes the issue with the marriage.

SPEAKER_00 12:09

Yeah. That's definitely challenging because it's kind of like, I don't know, in my opinion, it would be very hard to figure out like where to even begin because you feel like you're at a stalemate. Like my one spouse, you're in your example, like my husband wants us to use condoms or for to put me on birth control or to have like some sort of implant or something else, so that there's more unlimited opportunity to have sex and we don't have to keep track of things. I think that the most important part again is like going back to conversations and communicating about this, is really trying to understand the why from both of you, like being willing to be open-minded enough to hear the other spouse's point of view, to understand where they're coming from, to be curious, because if the husband would be more willing to understand why the wife wants to use NFP or why the husband does not want to use NFP, that opens the doors to like answering a lot of the concerns. Because there's certainly a lot of valid concerns. Is it faith related? Like, is it because this is what the church says and I'm afraid of sinning in our marriage and I don't want to cause opportunities for sin? Or is it because he doesn't trust the science of NFP that it would actually work? Or is it because um somebody's afraid of lack of sex? Like all of those reasons, like those deeper rooted reasons, have different ways of addressing. So to first be curious about the why. Why is there a conflict in this? Why are we disagreeing? And then move from there. Because if you start talking about faith stuff and he's like, that's fine, but I just don't think it actually works, then you're bypassing each other.

SPEAKER_01 13:54

I think it's also important to keep in mind that this could be an incredibly emotionally charged conversation every time you have it. So I think um going into it as as grounded into like what, what, what's paint for me a win. I like that from one of Brene Brown's book on um it's like a leadership book. Yeah, it's a leadership book to understand how like what your supervisor wants out of you if they're unclear in their expectations. And I think being able to get from your spouse, like, what's a win look like here? Like, how do we both get to a win here? Um, and having them lay that out for you so that you can kind of really understand, like, all right, this is where they're coming from. I think would help a lot. Our book, I know I joked about it earlier, but we wrote a book called Lovemaking, How to Talk About Sex With Your Spouse. And in it, we actually do have conversation starters um and chapters about NFP. It's chapter eight, why all the sex rules, uh, chapter nine, bonding in babies, and chapter 10, having a hundred babies. All of those things we end up touching upon the different parts of NFP and this kind of intimacy and disagreement you might have, um, the disagreements we had within our marriage, but then also conversation starters for you to if you don't even know how to start the conversation, hopefully this would be a place to start. Um, we don't lay out all of theology of it, but we do lay out some of it, some of the church teaching. Um, we also lay out the practical practicals of what it could look like. But I know that if you are disagreeing, I love Monica's idea of getting down to the why and then hopefully getting to the when.

SPEAKER_00 15:11

And one further recommendation um do not start this conversation as you're trying to halt intimacy because those so many feelings and so many no sex tonight, but Monica and Renzo wrote this. That's not a good time.

SPEAKER_01 15:26

We can't, yeah. I can kill libido really quickly, but I'd rather not have to.

SPEAKER_00 15:31

So timing and how to start the conversations are both important.

SPEAKER_01 15:35

Number four, this could happen in marriage and then break a marriage if a if couples think that like NFP is just basically contraception. All we're doing is trying to avoid pregnancy. Why go through all the rigmarole of learning NFP and trying to abstain and this and that if we could just use condom and birthing control? What would you say to that?

SPEAKER_00 15:53

So the first thing I would say to that is buy our book. Okay, so I have two things that I would want to say to that. The first is like unfaith related, but the just the idea of allowing the woman's body to act as it's supposed to act, as it's intended to act. So every every human body has different systems in it, right? And like our respiratory system, we want that to work well, and we want our digestive system to work well. We don't want to do things to like interrupt those systems from working the way they're intended. And contraception and implants will work against the female's system, the way that it was designed and created to work. And so we can't think that we can do that, and there would be no ramifications to that. You're trying to interrupt something doing what it's supposed to do. You were you were made to have cycles of fertility and infertility. That's the way your body was created. And so I think just on that basic level, it's important to allow your body to work the way it's supposed to work. And then number two, as practicing Catholics, as Christians, like we were our bodies were created very intentionally by God. And speaking of systems, like the female system doesn't really make sense in isolation until you bring in the male's fertility system. And the male's fertility system doesn't really make sense all on its own without its complement of the female system. So to put a barrier between that, and even though it might not be easy to understand, or maybe you're not like at that full level of faith to just like surrender that I believe that God made me this way, I think that there's a certain level of potential to honor and respect that, like, okay, God created man and woman this way, and he created marriage in a particular way. And maybe you don't understand all of it, maybe you don't believe all of it, but to try to just give like that tiny little bit of trust in the way that the church has taught marriage to be, because you can respect and honor that, like, okay, God does have a good design, and um, and I'm willing to learn more about it.

SPEAKER_01 18:07

It's basically saying that the ends don't justify the means. So the end, so the thing that you are hoping the outcome is when you engage in a discourse, when you are trying to avoid, is that you just you don't want to get pregnant because you've discerned that you're just not ready to get pregnant, and you feel like, well, NFP and contraception give us the same end, but the reality is that you can't just just because the end is the same, does not mean the means of getting to there is the same. So for for contraception, the means of getting to no baby is by by blocking the way that our systems work, whether it be through the methods that Monica said or the or or through a condom where is actually a physical barrier between the husband and wife. Um, and that means justify is not justified by the ends of no baby. We're not justifying NFP by saying that it's the only way to get to no baby. We're the NFP is justified because the the means of getting to no baby, if you're trying to avoid again, if you discerned you're trying to avoid, is by choosing the virtue of chastity and saying, you know what? Um we have the the knowledge and awareness because of NFP that you are fertile at the same time that I am fertile. So we are then choosing to abstain from sex because we're choosing the virtue of chastity and to, and all couples are called to be chaste, and we're gonna be chaste during this time. And then later, when you are no longer fertile, or and and I even though I still am, we are gonna be able to engage both that means is completely different than putting a barrier in place, taking different chemicals, putting different implants in your body. Both may end up being the same of no baby at the end of the month, but the the means of getting there are completely different, and one is okay with the church and the other is not. The last one, number five, is when a cu when one of the spouses reluctantly is accepting that you're doing NFP. So it's not that they disagree, they're just like, why do we gotta do this anyway, though? Like, and they're just letting it happen, but they're always putting everything on you, and like they they have completely removed themselves from the from the equation, you tell me when, and then I guess we're gonna do it because you're saying we have to do this thing, and I'm like, oh whatever. Uh, what do you say to that?

SPEAKER_00 20:05

If like there's a spouse who's just like, uh I feel like that's a very common, I feel like this might be one of the most common little sneaky ways that NFP is like slowly chipping away at a marriage because I think that that happens a lot, is that the man is like, okay, my wife wants to practice NFP. Okay, the church says we should practice NFP if we're avoiding pregnancy, so I'll do it. But I don't like I don't do it because I'm choosing it, it's just kind of like happening to me. Like that's just the circumstances that I live in. And um, and I think that that's a very passive way to be a part of a marriage that like this is this is the reality for both of you. This is the reality for our family, this is a reality for our marriage. And for you to kind of be like, okay, you give me the thumbs up or the thumbs down, the green light or the red light. I'll follow your lead. And I don't like participate until I'm like participating and I'm disengaged from like the fullness out of NFP, I would challenge that. That is a very um dangerous approach, a dangerous position to take. I'm probably gonna point at the husbands for this because if the woman is half-heartedly doing NFP, then it's probably not going to be effective. It's not gonna work well and it's not really NFP. If the husband is going to passively be like, okay, I'm just you tell me what we're doing and I'll go along with it. Um, I think that that's a very dangerous way because I think that that type of passivity can infiltrate more areas of your life. And to be a passive husband, to be a disengaged husband, to be a disengaged father like that. Your family needs you, your wife needs you, you are equally important to this equation. You are. An active participant in the fertility realm. And so you should want to be engaged, you should want to be understanding of it. You should really want to understand what's happening in your wife's body because then you can honor and respect and know her all the better. And then not have that like just be put another piece of her mental load, another piece of her responsibility.

SPEAKER_01 22:23

And I think the the encouragement I would have for husbands if they are in that boat is for them to take this as a challenge to embrace more responsibility, like Monica said. I know that there's a lot of things that as husbands we feel like we're responsible for. I know that some wives might hear that and laugh at it. We have things on our minds, we have things that we're we're dealing with. Um and a lot of times it just feels like this is just another thing I have to worry about. That doesn't seem like it needs to be my responsibility because I didn't choose this in the first place. I'm just letting my wife choose it. Um, but part of being a husband and part of uh the vows that you make is that you're taking on your beloved to because she's bone of your bone, flesh of your flesh, and you're taking on her entirety. Um and that means her fertility too, and that means that you should know it. Um, it should embarrass you as a husband if you if your wife were to go to the hospital and the doctors are looking at you asking for her medical history because she's she can't respond for herself and you have no idea what's going on with her, that should embarrass you. Um, in the same way that like something's happening with your kids and you're like, I can't answer, call their mom. Like that should not be the situation that you're in as a husband. You should embrace the responsibility of this is my wife, these are my kids, and I should know them well. Maybe you don't know them as well as your wife does. That's fine, but you should know something. Um, and I think this is an area where you could start beginning to take that responsibility because all you have to know is is how does this NFP thing work? Maybe tell me what you're doing, explain to me the whole process, show me the chart, show me the the monitors, let me know everything because I want to be as knowledgeable about this process as you are because you are my beloved and I love you. And when I engage in sex, it's not just because I'm using you, but because I want to be with you. And part of being with you means understanding your entire fertility and what's going on.

SPEAKER_00 23:57

Yeah. And I think that like it's it's hard for us because we wish that we could compartmentalize our life and just be like, okay, this thing is just her thing because it's her body and it's her fertility. So I'm gonna let her take the lead on it or let her like handle it. But that kind of mentality, like, we can't just keep that, it doesn't work that way. It doesn't work that we can keep that mentality just in this area and then expect our love making and our intimacy to be complete. Because if she's doing something that I don't know about, then like I'm I'm not fully in it. And she's she's not able to like trust that I I want all of her and that I get all of her, that I know all of her because you don't like you've you've chosen to withdraw and remove yourself from something that's really important and really like intricate and and a big piece of her. And so that kind of unspoken communication with your spouse is is absolutely gonna have an effect outside of just the fertility. It's going to have an effect in your lovemaking, it's gonna have an effect on your just your interpersonal relationship because there's a piece that you don't seem to care about that you're like fine, whatever. And that will that will that will fester and that will grow. And growing in interaction with this will help you grow in interaction in other areas of your life in your family life. So maybe you don't know how to get more involved with your kids or with your wife in other areas, like start here and that virtue growing, that skill, that muscle will be able to strengthen and grow outside of this box too.

SPEAKER_01 25:45

So those are the five ways that people complain the most about NFP and how NFP is breaking their marriage. And that was some of the advice that we would have if we could talk to them and share with them the ways that NFP could actually help their marriage. If we forgot anything, please let us know in the comments. Like, comment, and subscribe on this video. If you want to dive in more into how NFP can be something that helps your marriage, pick up our book, Love Making, How to Talk About Sex with Your Spouse. Because again, we talk about it a lot in here and a lot of other parts of lovemaking that have nothing to do with NFP. Um, and be sure to rate this if you're listening to on Apple and Spotify. Give us a five-star review, leave us some words of encouragement because we would love to hear from you.

SPEAKER_00 26:21

You can also follow us on Instagram at To Become Family, interact with us, let us know what's going on. Tell us if we missed anything. Tell us if this is something that's really hitting the spot and you'd like to hear more about. We would love to help encourage and support marriage.

SPEAKER_01 26:35

We will see you at the next episode.