5 Things to Focus On During Marriage Prep

Getting married is more than planning a wedding — it’s preparing for a lifelong vocation.

In this episode, we walk engaged couples through the conversations and habits that build a strong, lasting marriage. From finances and family expectations to conflict resolution and shared life vision, we explore the practical and spiritual foundations every couple needs before saying “I do.”

We also discuss how to recognize the difference between genuine discernment and emotional attachment, how to surface hidden concerns before they become future wounds, and why praying together is one of the most powerful ways to stay aligned.

In this episode we cover:

• The essential pre-marriage conversations

• Building a shared vision for your future

• Navigating disagreements in a healthy way

• Recognizing red flags early

• Money, family, and expectations

• Creating a meaningful prayer life together

Whether you’re newly engaged or seriously discerning marriage, this episode will help you prepare not just for a wedding day — but for a lifetime together.

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to another episode of the Two Become Family Podcast. We are Renzo and Monica Ortega, the authors of Mediocre Lovemaking, and we are here to talk again about marriage stuff. And today the topic is how to prepare for marriage well. We're going to be speaking to those who are preparing for marriage. And if you're not one of those people, please keep listening. Though you did just give us a download, so thank you for that. But keep listening because I think even if this is not pertaining exactly to you, this might be good for another couple that you know and you could share it with them. Um, and that benefits us because we are able to grow a little more, but it also benefits the community of just people who need to talk about marriage more often. Because I think we're gonna uncover some things that kind of go silent until years four, five, six, and that's when things get really difficult.

SPEAKER_02 0:40

So yeah, I think that these are things that could help a couple, an aged couple, a dating couple that's getting ready to get married. But I think it's also really important that if this wasn't part of your marriage prep, if this wasn't part of your precana experience, if this wasn't part of the conversations that you guys were having before you got married, and now you're facing some of these decisions, some of these circumstances, some of these life situations, and you're having trouble getting on the same page or navigating these conversations. Or maybe you thought you were on the same page and then life threw you some curveballs that you weren't expecting. So we just think that these are important things that need to be addressed and discussed and agreed upon in marriage.

SPEAKER_00 1:19

Yep. And it's important that you take the initiative as the couple who's engaged to be married or even just dating to have these conversations. So let's jump in. So question number one that so these are the so the way we're gonna do this is we're gonna go over the five most popular questions about marriage prep, and then we're gonna answer them the way we think we need to be answering. So number one.

SPEAKER_02 1:39

All right, I'll read the first question. All right, pre-Kana can feel abstract. What conversations should we really be having?

SPEAKER_00 1:45

I really think you should try to address everything, especially the things that you feel like you don't want to address. Like if there's anything within you that you're holding and like, ah, they don't really need to know that, they're not gonna like me. Um, those are the things that need to come up because I know that in engagement and dating, you kind of put on somewhat of a front of like who you are. You don't really share everything about yourself. And that can't be the case when you get to marriage. Like you need to talk about everything. That's my opinion. It's probably better if you don't keep that abstract, though.

SPEAKER_02 2:09

That still feels abstract. Yeah, that feels very abstract. I think that things that should be brought up. So how these conversations go are gonna be very unique to each couple. Um, it's gonna be a lot based on your background, your family history, your own personal experience. And then, but the thing is like you each have your own opinions and styles and and experiences from your past, good, bad, or indifferent. And you're going to try to be like combining those into a marriage, into a new, it's not even like a different level of a relationship. Like when you get married, it's a whole new thing, like a whole new family starts, and all of these things are important. So things that you should talk about, maybe not the how or the specifics of the what, but topics you should talk about. You should talk about money, including debt and savings and family experience of money. Yeah, family experience of money, what you understand about money, what you don't understand about money, like spending habits and budgeting and things like that. So, like, definitely talk about money. Um, you should talk about sex. You should talk about, yes, so we have a book that can might be able to help you with that. Um, you should talk about what you believe about sex as far as like in the in a Catholic relationship, in the context of marriage, outside the context of marriage, um, intimacy. I I do think, especially in engagement, it's time to start getting like specific, like using the big words that you might not have been using in dating, um, to start talking about that. Um, hopes for children in the future. So how many when what you hope to what you hope that family life would look like? Are you, do you want to be like a sporty family, really involved in your parish? Like, what do you kind of think of your life looking when you add children to it? Like, what are we gonna do?

SPEAKER_00 3:56

I think I think it's important when you when you bring up like your vision, I guess your overall vision of like what your family life in marriage is gonna look like. Um, it's not set in stone, like that stuff could change, but I think it's important for you to articulate your aspirations for your family. Like, even um, like in-laws, like what's your what is your what are you thinking your relationship with your in-laws is gonna be? What are the boundaries gonna be with with kids? Where are the holidays gonna be spent? Like all those things need to be brought up. Again, they might change as the years go by because like you again, you're not gonna know what you're gonna be like in 10 years, but having those conversations at least so you're starting at the same spot.

SPEAKER_02 4:30

Actually, like I want to piggyback on that. They will absolutely not look the way that you're planning right now in your engagement. Like, this is my ideal life, and it's it's not going to look like that because things are gonna happen, jobs are gonna change, illnesses come in. You can't, you can try to plan your kids, and maybe you're perfect at timing and everything, but like they are gonna be their own people. So, you know, and like we might have to move, might like you, but these conversations are important so that you can start to like I see who you are and the way that you think, and the way that you love, and the way that you dream, and the way that you plan in you sharing those things and me sharing those things and how we collaborate on them, how we compromise sometimes, how we create a whole new plan.

SPEAKER_00 5:14

Never compromise. Okay. Win win-win.

SPEAKER_02 5:17

Point being the plans are not gonna go exactly as planned, but it's part of like practicing, planning together and doing things together. Yeah. And it reveals those conversations reveal things that need to be addressed.

SPEAKER_00 5:30

Yeah, how you discipline kids, what you perceive, like what how you grew up with, like what was discipline like in your house, and then what are you thinking you're gonna do with your family? How far away are you willing to live from in-laws and how often you want to see them? Like things you you might think like this is getting kind of in the weeds, but I think anything you don't bring up, you have to be prepared to handle together in marriage. And like you don't know what's gonna come out, you don't know what, like you know, again, it's hard to anticipate like what things, what family circumstances or life circumstances are gonna cause different things to come to the surface. Um, but just know if you haven't talked about it, then you just you are you're committed to dealing with it and and trying to to grow through it. So if you want to kind of get things on the table now so you're kind of aware going in, you have to make it into a conversation.

SPEAKER_02 6:11

And then I also think um you can use your family of origin to help springboard some other conversations like um how you saw other couples function. Um, if there was divorce in your family of origin, if there were some really great marriages in your family of origin, if there was not great relationships in your family of origin, but they stayed together, like things that you noticed that you saw that you want to emulate, or things that you want to stay away from, um conflict resolution strategies that you saw work well or not work well, like start to bring that stuff up. If you're discerning marriage with this person, um, to start to even just like communicate and dive into how your conflicts and your conflict resolution strategies are working or not working and start to really like expand on that.

SPEAKER_00 6:58

Being honest about your relationship with or how both of you see the relationships with drugs and alcohol, gambling, anything that can be a threat to the stability of your marriage, being on the same page about how you see it, or at least being aware of how the other person sees it, um, I think is super important. I know our how we view alcohol has changed a lot from the beginning of our marriage till now. Um, so again, nothing is set in stone, and like when I said, like things are gonna change. But again, being on the same page of it, because you don't want to be blindsided by something like that of like, oh, I didn't realize it was like this. And not saying that you are to blame if that's what happened. Um, but if you are in a stage of engagement, like you have every opportunity to get these things out in front of you.

SPEAKER_02 7:36

Um, and then I think the last thing would be like work and home balance of like what you hope for as far as like occupations, how much education is gonna be required to pursue that level of occupation, um, what kind of like financial investment that would take to get to that level. Um, you know, how much are you planning on working over time, things like that. Does one of you want to be a stay-at-home parent? Like trying, again, it's not gonna go exactly that way, but to get an idea of what the other person is envisioning and what you are envisioning. And even if they don't line up, now we understand. Now we can, now we can play around with that and move the pieces and talk about it. But I think sometimes that might not have been articulated because when you're dating, it's like, well, that's the career path you're going on, and this is the career path I'm going on. But if you're discerning marriage, it's like those have to overlap. How do we see that going?

SPEAKER_00 8:28

Sorry, and the advice I would give, so as say you laid everything out, um, and kind of this kind of you can't let it be like that scene in um Parks and Rec when Leslie's trying to find a new best friend and she asks the question, then she checks the box of like who answered correctly. You don't want to make it seem like you are are in interrogating your your fiance either way, of like, you know, did you answer this correctly? We are gonna break this off.

SPEAKER_02 8:52

Or even like interviewing. Interrogating, interviewing.

SPEAKER_00 8:54

It's like the the goal is to lay it all on the table. And then the the real question that could be a deal breaker is like, could we build a shared vision with it with you know, we see two different sides. Can we build a shared vision that can come together for this? And if if you can't, that's a big red flag. But none of the answers are a red flag unless there's no way, like the person is not shifting and not willing to. Again, I don't like the idea of compromise. I like the idea of building a shared vision together. So if you're not able to do that, that's something that that needs to, you might need a third person to intervene, go through some counseling, which is totally okay before marriage. Like you want to be able to be on the same page going into your vows.

SPEAKER_02 9:28

Agreed. Yeah. So um, with these conversations, if you if you feel like you're coming up on a roadblock or you can you can see something, but you don't know how to like get there. Like I don't know how to get to that shared vision. I believe that it's possible, but we're not communicating well. Like, yeah, counseling a mentor couple involving the priest that is going to be celebrating your wedding. Um yeah, just a trusted friend. Like it's okay to include other people to help you learn these strategies of how to communicate well.

SPEAKER_00 9:58

Yeah, because it's a big myth to believe that you're supposed to do this all on your own just because it's the two of you. Um, like you're supposed to live in community and in church, and part of the church is supposed to be able to support these things that do come up. Number two, the next question that people ask.

SPEAKER_02 10:12

What should we agree on before getting married?

SPEAKER_00 10:15

Oh shoot.

SPEAKER_02 10:16

So those are all the topics you should talk about. What things should you agree on?

SPEAKER_00 10:19

I don't I don't know if the word agree is so I think I think people do want to know, like, all right, but what's like a deal breaker if we don't agree? I I don't know how much we actually agreed on when we got married. And so this is from our experience. Um, like I knew we saw I knew we saw things differently. There's like a lot of things that we were bringing up. Like we just we came from different different families of origin, um, different different ideas of what's right and wrong for certain things. Like I see things very black and white. Um, I I'm still of the mind of like you need to build a shared vision of whatever that thing is. So one of the things, like this is just uh the example that comes to mind. So I've never like so as we got engaged, like I just never liked alcohol or drinking. So like I was very like, I'm not gonna drink. Um, my whole life I didn't drink, I whatever. And you were more okay with like socially drinking. And that was something that like bothered me a ton because I was just like, I don't like it. Um, and I think we and then at some point like we changed and like I was totally okay socially drinking. And like, so like things shifted, but like I I was able to like, I don't know, I feel like we were able to talk about that and understand like there was there was history on your side of the family, and that's why I didn't really didn't like it. And you were okay with being like, well, I only do it in these scenarios, and if you see it in in this, like you'll like we came up with a plan of like what is actually bothering me about it, what is actually the concern. Yeah, um, and then we built a vision of like, all right, this is what we're gonna do about it without you, I having to compromise how I feel and you having to compromise how you feel.

SPEAKER_02 11:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:46

So that's my example. I hope it made sense.

SPEAKER_02 11:47

Yeah. So like, so even if you aren't on the same like page, like maybe you'd uh disagreeing in like your reasoning, right? Or things like that, but it's a red flag if neither if one person or both are immovable or unwilling to like see the other person's perspective.

SPEAKER_00 12:05

This is assuming you're both Catholic and right, sure.

SPEAKER_02 12:08

No, well, there I think there's a lot of people that are dating non-Catholics.

SPEAKER_00 12:12

Okay, good to continue.

SPEAKER_02 12:14

I don't I don't think I don't want the person reconcilable.

SPEAKER_00 12:18

I don't want the person who's faithfully Catholic to feel like they have to budge.

SPEAKER_02 12:21

I think I guess my point is that you're like you're unwilling to even like see the other person's point of view or perspective. Sure. Right. So like I believe that you can be a Catholic and marry a non-Catholic and understand that like you are not Catholic for these particular reasons and that like knowing that they too like respect your faith are not trying to waiver like change your faith and have you live outside of your faith and things like that, but that like that there are things that are preventing them or holding them back from the you know entering fully into the Catholic faith.

SPEAKER_00 13:02

Yeah. And you're I think and you're able to build a share vision of like this is what a marriage can look like, yeah, even if our faiths are different. Yeah. So you're willing to budge on that. I just don't want the person who's Catholic to be like, well, I guess I gotta budge on my faith. On my faith.

SPEAKER_02 13:14

No, I just think the red flag, like the the big like um afraid of discovering like a deal breaker too late. That's why these conversations are important because you're not gonna necessarily get to be in total agreement or on the same page all the time, but that in that there's still a plan to move forward together towards this shared vision. And then as you like live that, you'll learn more and you'll learn more about the other person, you'll learn more about your own experiences using drinking as the example, right? That like we just saw different things happen and we saw different behaviors that, like, for example, for me, that like, okay, yeah, that was fine, like in in your 20s when you're social drinking on Friday and Saturday nights, and like everyone's doing that. But then as you start to have kids and a family and more responsibilities and are expected or should be home more with your family, that like the every Friday and Saturday night social drinking is now taking away from um your involvement in your family. So it's it sh that should evolve as you get because of how your life circumstances are, right? So I think that that's I think that's allowable, right? Like I think that that's like if you're dating someone who's not Catholic and has never really like been around authentic Catholic, like living the fullness of the Catholic faith, like your marriage is an opportunity for them to experience that for the first time, right? And like that's not any fault of their own that they hadn't had those experiences. And as long as they are not trying to, again, like lead you towards sin or lead you away from the church, then like I think they're doing their the spouse is doing their responsibility or they the fiance in like allowing you to still pursue your faith and then they're they're also experiencing it because they're there.

SPEAKER_00 15:03

So then would you say the thing that we would recommend that they agree on is that they agree that they're willing to build something together.

SPEAKER_02 15:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:11

Without having to compromise their how they feel about a particular thing.

SPEAKER_02 15:15

Yeah, I think that's important.

SPEAKER_00 15:17

Okay. Yeah, because I do think growing together is what you should be doing in marriage.

SPEAKER_02 15:21

I think that like deal breakers too are like heavy commitment to sin. Like if you're like no, I totally think that that's fine all the time. Yes. You could do you and I'll do me. Like, I think that's I also think that that's a red flag because you're not supposed to live like that as a married person.

SPEAKER_00 15:37

Sin, abuse, coercion, yeah, red flags.

SPEAKER_02 15:40

But even though I do think that like you do you and I do me is a bad Right.

SPEAKER_00 15:44

That's not a shared vision.

SPEAKER_02 15:45

That's not a shared vision. So that's a bad way to enter even if you think it's like not that big of a deal, that it's like you do you, I do me. Like, I'm gonna grow on my bros weekend once a month, and you could do whatever you end up doing, but like if that's a problem for you and they're just like, no, as long as we're both content separate, then it's fine. I think that's okay also a red flag because that's not a marriage. That shouldn't be in a marriage.

SPEAKER_00 16:07

I support it. Next question number three.

SPEAKER_02 16:10

How do we know when we're discerning and not just emotionally attached?

SPEAKER_00 16:14

Uh wait to till you hate each other and you still want to be together.

SPEAKER_02 16:19

That's really fair.

SPEAKER_00 16:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:22

Like, yeah, I think I think it's like, yeah, wait, wait until wait until something comes up that you like get really irritated by, just really disagree on.

SPEAKER_00 16:33

I hate the way they chew their food. I still love them. No, you shouldn't.

SPEAKER_02 16:36

Like, wait until you find something that is irritating or frustrating or like a big source of conflict. And if you still want to be with them. Again, outside of coercion, manipulation, abuse situations where that is this is this is like if you're in a healthy relationship, but you're trying to decide like, am I just like emotionally, am I is my vision blurred by romance and infatuation? Or is this like grounded in real discernment of God's will? I do think that how you are you motivated to reconcile, or are you just like, I'm just gonna wait for them to fix themselves and then come back to me.

SPEAKER_00 17:18

Or you see them as a project of like, oh, now I'm gonna fix them, which is that's not the same thing as I'm I'm willing to stay with this person because I want to grow with them, um, despite whatever we went through and despite the fact that we have no emotions right now and we don't feel super romantic, but I still want to be with them, not out of a sense of dependency or out of sense of like, oh, they give me comfort, but more. I just love them and I just love being with them. Yeah. Um, because as great as we look on camera, we are not always super happy with each other. But I will, I always love her and I always want to be with her. So I think that's a very important. I would say that like if you don't want to be with them anymore, that's a problem.

SPEAKER_02 17:50

I also think on the flip side, like, so you still love them even when you hate them. And I do also never hate them. I do think another one is do you like them? Really take a step back and evaluate like, am I fairy taling this? Am I storytelling this? Or do I actually like the other person? So like you can love them and be like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna love them through certain situations, I'm gonna love them because they're so great and amazing at these others, but also like, do you just like spending time with them? Like if you were to plan, like if you were to have a totally empty day with like you could do whatever you wanted, would you want them along for that day? Like, would you just do you just like being with them? I think that's also important because you've got a long time with each other.

SPEAKER_01 18:35

I like it.

SPEAKER_02 18:36

Love each other in times of hate and like each other on a normal day. Yes. That's it. That's it.

SPEAKER_00 18:42

Number four.

SPEAKER_02 18:43

What do we do if we disagree on important things?

SPEAKER_00 18:46

Break up. Oh, we don't know. Well, I could kind of alluded to it, but like, yeah, I think going if by depends someone defining our defining our terms. If you mean by disagree, that like neither is willing to budge a bit to ever build something shared. I think that's something that I I'd break up, I'm joking. Um, but I do think that's something where you need to now bring in a third party, go to counseling, find a way to mediate that because it's most likely. Uh this is me assuming a lot, so I'm sorry if if I'm wrong. Um, but if people are that stuck on like we're not gonna budge at all, uh, I think that's just it's the way that you're communicating that's causing that. Um and because you're not able to like really get to the point of what the other person's not able to paint to paint a win for you, you having difficulty painting win for yourself, you're kind of speaking past each other. Like, I think at certain points where no one's willing to compromise, assuming you love each other and you like each other and like this is your favorite person in the world and all the things, um, and you're able to articulate how important it is to you, and like still no one's able to build a help build a shared vision. I think you need a third person to kind of point different things out to each other.

SPEAKER_02 19:48

Yeah. So the first like scenario that popped into my head was um like a couple talking about kids in the future and like having kids, and one person is like, two is my max, like I want two and that's it. And then the other either wants more or is just like I'm just open to like, I don't want to have a number yet. I just like I want to see how life goes. And I do think that uh on both sides, right? Like if the if one person is like set on the two, and the other like you can't marry them and then expect them, hope them to change because it's not like they were dishonest or unclear, and you and that's like part of it. And so I think that that can lead to potential resentment in the future. So I do think um, to your point of having a third person, but then also being curious about the why. Like, why are why are we disagreeing on these things? Why are you so set on this one perspective? And why am I so set on this opposing perspective? And being really curious getting to the root of that, because it could be because of a source of woundedness and like I just don't see any hope in the situation. I don't see anything going well unless I'm like really controlling it and like in charge of it. Um, it could be from like watching bad things happen to other people who, you know, what have you. It could be so many different things, and they might not even know why they've come to this decision. I think that's one thing we've really learned in our marriage is that like we've had perspectives and visions and points of view and weren't entirely sure why they were created in the first place. And I think that that's really important as like as you're maturing in your relationship with one another and just knowing yourself as an adult, it's really important to be curious about why am I so firm on certain things? Why am I immovable on certain things? Which could also be involving a third person, like a counselor or a therapist, to like help you know yourself a little bit better.

SPEAKER_00 21:48

Yeah. And I think this goes for like NFP, uh if contraception is going to be used in the marriage. Um, those things that like you're just if you're not agreeing on, I think involving somebody again to get to the why, like you're not gonna catechize them to and Able to convince anybody.

SPEAKER_02 22:01

Yeah. And then I I do really think though that like if if there is no potential for growing in a shared vision, then that's a clue that this might not be the marriage that you need to pursue, or maybe you need to date a little bit longer to see how that goes. I do think that it's it's okay to like delay marriages and things like that. Because once you're committed, you you are. And like, especially if this has come up and they're very clear, like there's no way out of that.

SPEAKER_00 22:30

Marriage prep ought to bring these things up. And and if marriage prep causes you, like this kind of marriage prep that we're doing, bring all these things up, um, causes you to end up having to break off an engagement because just it's you don't see it working out because you can't build a shared vision, then marriage prep did its job.

SPEAKER_02 22:44

Yes. So we're absolutely like cheerleading for good marriages and relationships to like go through the hard work. Like we're not thinking like, oh, this is so like flowers and rainbows and this is so easy. Like this is hard, nitty-gritty work, but we think that it's worth it because we want marriages to go well. So if if there's just like a thing that is immovable, then that's your answer. And that's that's not the answer that you were hoping for, I'm sure. But then it's doing its job, this marriage prep, this work, this like discernment came to its answer. Like the discernment was done and it and it was answered.

SPEAKER_00 23:19

Last one, number five. What do people ask?

SPEAKER_02 23:21

How do we prepare spiritually without becoming performative?

SPEAKER_00 23:25

I would say pray individually and pray together and make that into a very good routine.

unknown 23:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:33

Which is which is very opposite of what you might hear if you are a missionary for any place or have like a lot of if if you make uh if you do ministry as a job, right? Uh you might be like, well, I have to do this many holy hours, I have to do this many rosaries, I have to do this many uh times praying liturgy of the hours, and then we have to do it together. Like there's just a lot that you might have on your plate, and I think a lot of times that could end up not saying that that's performative per se, um, but sometimes that ends up being just checking the box and not actually praying and allowing um your prayer life to build together. I think if you're in engagement in this um in the stage of engagement, you should be building a shared prayer life. Um as whereas as where as well as making sure that your prayer life on your own is is solid, you should be building a shared one as well.

SPEAKER_02 24:19

Um, one thing that we learned is to not judge the other person's prayer life for its uh quality. So like we can absolutely be like, hey, you're not praying, right? But like I'm not my relationship with the Lord, my individual, my unique like spirituality and the way that I communicate with God is not an exact replica. It doesn't look like the way that Renzo does. And that's that's important. That's normal, that's like good because I'm not him and he's not me. And so God and I have our own intimate relationship and I hear him communicate with me differently than you do, and vice versa. So um, to not judge the other person's quality of prayer life based on like it doesn't look like yours, right? And so there should have it should be happening every day. Mass should be happening, frequenting the sacrament of confession, like those are things, but it doesn't have to like mirror, mimic the other person's. And then the two of you should also pray together, not next to each other, but pray together. And that could start out as rope prayers if you need that, because you haven't done this before. But like both mouths should be moving and talking at the same time. And then you could even like take turns, one person's praying, the other person's praying, offering intentions, what have you. But it should not be like going to a holy hour together at the same time is wonderful, but that is not a shared prayer life because you're not praying and communicating to God together at the same time.

SPEAKER_00 25:45

Right, because that's a good way to if you want to envision what it looks like to do a sh have a shared vision. I think praying together, like both your voices praying in one direction. I think that's kind of what our shared vision should be like. So um practicing that in prayer is very good and allowing God's grace to be what is the catalyst for that to happen, I think is super important. Um, but so those are the five ways that we would answer, those are the ways we would answer those five questions. Those are the most popular questions that we found that people ask when they are doing marriage prep and don't feel like marriage prep is enough in the Catholic Church. Did we miss anything? Let us know. Like, comment, and subscribe. If you are on Apple or Spotify, please leave us a review, give us five stars. Please I think that's it. See you at the next episode.